Home Made Porn

I have a lot of customer stories that I've accumulated over the years, but this one probably takes the cake. Nudity is nothing new in my line of work. Matter of fact, I've been dealing with nudity since my college days delivering pizza. One would think that wouldn't necessarily transfer over to the computer repair field, but...yeah it does.

A couple days ago, I picked up a computer from a customer who, for the most part, has been a good one but has pissed me off a couple times with semi-unrealistic expectations. The problem I was addressing this time was the typical "slow computer" complaint. Malware being the most likely culprit.

As I'm talking to him and bundling things up to leave, he remarks:

"Oh don't mind the porn on there. Save it if you need to reload windows."

I've heard that request a few times. More often times than not, the "porn" that's on someone's computer involves semi-racy pics of various Hollywood actresses. Still, part of me cringed a little when he said it because I felt like I was about to back up a bunch of gay porn this guy viewed in his free time. My initial impression of said guy was obviously that he was single and that he was gay. Nothing wrong with his choices. I just have no interest in learning about what he does in his free time. I mostly just chalked this comment up as a joke since I had joked around with him before about the sheer amount of porn I run into while repairing computers.

Back at the shop, I hook his computer up, load it up into Safe Mode (fastest way to start a malware cleaning), and am greeted by a picture of a middle-aged woman posing on what looks like some sort of stool in see-through lingerie.

Uh...ok. So probably not gay, just overly happy.

The woman herself wasn't particularly attractive, but the image on the background looked professionally done. I figured it was probably off of a site he frequented since he was middle-aged himself.

After running a few utilities to see what was going on with it's sluggishness, I came to determine that he did have a malware infection and a rather nasty one. I called him up to let him know I could clean it, but it'd probably be faster if I just wiped it and started from scratch given the sheer amount of data he had on it.

(250GB hard drive, 210GB taken up...)

He approved the wipe and gave me a list of things to back up. Among the items...

...his "home made porn collection".

My original inclination was to tell him no. I really had better things to do than to back up what amounted to 200GB of home made porn. Then I thought about it for a second.

All I'm really doing is just copying a folder from one hard drive to another. I won't actually be viewing the content, which was my only issue. It became apparent to me this lady that was on his desktop was likely his wife and I really had no desire to see anything more of her or anything more of him.

So ok, I shot him the price, he approved and off to the data backup process I went. After backing the data up (took about 2 hours to transfer that amount of data...), I went to open Picasa so I could check out some of the results from a different data recovery process only to find that Picasa had indexed all of the pictures I had just transferred over from the backup job...

First pic: Full nude of said woman.
Second pic: Another full nude.
Third pic: Full nude of said woman getting her boob sucked on by fully clothed customer.
Fourth pic: Nude of said woman having oral sex performed on her by fully clothed customer.

That was quite enough for me. I closed Picasa and tried to figure out a way to burn the images from my brain, but to no avail. I'm sure a screwdriver through the temple would have worked, but I do prefer living. You can't un-ring that bell.

I finished the job up for him and delivered this back to him yesterday. Clean reload of Windows, all of his home made porn in a directory on his desktop (instead of hidden 7 folders deep in his my pictures directory...). I made sure I pointed out where it was at and that it didn't make any sense to bury it that far down if you were just going to display a picture from it as his desktop background.

As he's writing the check for it all, none other than his wife comes home.

Or, as I was introduced "This is my ex-wife".

Now this story just got really interesting to me. You see, the thing about seeing someone naked on the internet is that odds are, you aren't going to meet them face to face. It's generally human nature to think of things in their simplest forms and once you see someone naked, that's pretty much the first image that will pop into your head any time you talk to them or see them.

This guy had 200GB of home made porn on his computer starring the woman that I was just introduced to as the ex and the only thing that ran through my head when I shook her hand was:

"I'VE SEEN YOU NAKED AND GETTING PLEASURED HOLY SHIT WHAT WERE YOU THINKING"

To each their own. People are allowed to live out whatever sexual fantasies they want obviously, but it becomes a bit of a different ball game when what was supposed to remain private ends up being viewed by someone else. Given the image that was on his desktop, I seriously doubt I was the first one that viewed it. Hell, I went out of my way to try to avoid viewing it.

Ex: Did you save all his data?
Q: Yes Ma'am.
Ex: How much was there?

(At this point, it becomes rather clear from the glance she gives him and how fast he's trying to finish the check to me that she knows...)

Q: About 200 gigs.
Ex: Is that a lot?
Q: Let's just say they don't make flash drives that size yet.
Ex: What was it mostly?

(Oh shit...how do I answer this.)

Q: Pictures and movies, like any large backup job.

She looked over at her ex...

Ex: What have you been downloading?
Q: It was a bunch of old stuff.

(Oh damn. I said too much.)

Ex: Pictures of me?

(God, I'm dying on the inside from laughter and I think it's become rather obvious she knows it too)

Q: A few.
Ex: I thought I told you to delete those.
Customer: I did!
Ex: Were they naked pictures of me?
Q: Yep, a lot more than naked.

At this point, my customer just hands me the check and hangs his head. Also at this point, it's pretty obvious why this lady became his ex and quite possibly the reason he's flamboyantly gayish now...

What was not so obvious was why they were still living together in the first place...

I decided it was a good time to leave before I got caught in the line of fire. I'm expecting a phone call later today from said Customer with the inevitable ass-chewing that will likely result. :)