Kids These Days...

Monday afternoon, I'm at a point in the day where there's about an hour and a half until my last appointment at 6PM. Driving home is a waste of gas since it's 20 minutes away from my final stop, so I called up my sister to see if I could come hang out over there for a bit. She says "Sure, you can come entertain Breanna!~"

This normally translates to:

"My oldest daughter is being a demon child cause she didn't take her nap, so anything that will distract her for a bit is a good thing even if it causes you physical harm!"

My oldest niece is smart. Way too smart for her own good. A good example of how smart she is involves a light switch.

My sister's living room is just like the vast majority of living rooms in the world where the light switch is right next to the entrance. My brother-in-law's favorite chair is sitting along the wall under this switch. This is so when he gets hot, he can reach up, turn on the left switch and the ceiling fan comes on. It's also for turning the lights off when he gets ready to load up Halo.

If you happen to turn one of these switches on or off while Breanna is in the room with you, she takes notice instantly and wants to go play with the switches. What will ensue is a 10-15 minute struggle where she'll pull out every trick in the book to get to that switch.

She'll sneak behind the chair and try to reach it.

(Usually thwarted by grabbing onto her shirt before she makes it behind the chair.)

She'll try to crawl in your lap and over you to reach it.

(Usually thwarted by throwing a blanket over her head or turning her upside down and tickling her.)

But the real sign of intelligence is:

"Breanna give Uncle Pad hug and kiss?"

(I've already mentioned a lot that it's really hard to say no to her.)

I fall for this damn near every time. It's like Lucy pulling the football out from in front of Charlie Brown.



The second you pick her up to give her a hug, she reaches right over you and turns one or both of the switches on or off. It's so darn infuriating, but so insufferably cute, there's not a damn thing you can do about it, even if you know what's coming.

Anyway, I digressed a little. Onto what actually happened.

I'm sitting in said recliner yesterday just killing some time talking to my sister and playing with my niece. I've gone through a lot of the "Uncle Pad" games that Breanna likes to play when I show up already. These games tend to include:

"Boingy" - Tossing her up in the air, catching her, and acting like I'm bouncing her off the couch while saying "BOINGY!~" (Think of the sound sand people from Star Wars make to get an idea of how I'm saying "Boingy").

"Transformers" - Brings me the 3 Transformers I got her a while ago and asks things like, "Bumblebee to car?", "Blurr to car?", "Jazz to robot?" etc.

"Balloon Fetch" - She likes to be picked up so she can reach the strings on various balloons that are around the house for a couple months after her b-day. She'll grab these strings, then tell me which room to take her so she can place the balloon there. "Living Room!" "Princess Room!" "Baby Room!"

"Princess Dolls" - She'll run into the living room doing a fake cry. You're supposed to ask "What's wrong baby {Disney Princess Name}?" If you get the name wrong, you get scolded. Never mind the fact there are 5 baby princess dolls that could be "crying". Get the correct name and then you'll be told what's wrong. "OH NO BABY ARIEL HAS A STINKY BOO DIAPER!" "OH NO BABY BELLE IS HUNGRY" etc...

After all of that, my niece has apparently discovered a new game.

"Wheels On The Bus"

Not just any variation of this game mind you. Normally when someone sees that, the song is stuck in their head and they start cussing a lot.

The wheels on the bus go round and round. Round and round. Round and round.

See? Now that you hate me...

No the variation of this game that she's learned is an app on the iPhone. She's THREE YEARS OLD and she can do the following:

- Turn the phone on
- Slide the bar to unlock it
- Slide the app page around until she finds the icon she wants
- Open the app itself
- And start playing...

My mom can't do that, yet my three year old niece can.

So not only has she figured out how to start this game, she wants whoever is in the vicinity to make sound effects for the various things that happen in it.



First screen is this. You slide your finger left or right to make the bus go forward and backwards. The sound effects you're required to make are:

VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

and

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH



Second screen. Can slide the doors open and shut. You can also poke the pigeon. The required sound effect here is something I can only describe as a "crazy turkey gobble" noise...



Third screen. Poke the bear and he bounces. Touch the paper airplane and it does a loop around the screen. Touch the driver and, besides feeling like a perv, she motions towards the back of the bus. My niece doesn't stay on this screen too long, but she does like the airplane and airplane noises I make while it's sailing around.



Why a chef holding a tray full of cupcakes that are getting licked by a frog and stolen by a monkey is on a school bus is beyond me, but hey, it's not my imagination. This is probably her second favorite page. If you touch the monkey, he reach down and shows he had a cupcake and you have to make a monkeyish noise. If you touch the frog, he sticks his tongue out and licks a cupcake on the tray. You have to make a slurping noise. The chef on the other hand is her favorite on the page. Probably because I like to make fun of Tohmane so much with this guy:



...and my imitation is rather bad of him, but she finds it very funny, which is all that really matters.



This would be her favorite page. Try to stick with me here...

- The fish will blow bubbles if left alone that you can touch and pop.
- The fish will jump out of the bowl if you touch it.
- The crab will pinch his claws together if you touch him.
- If she touches the bubbles, you have to say "poppoppoppoppop"
- If she touches the fish, you have to say "BOINGY~!"
- If she touches the crab, you have to say "PinchyPinchyPinchyPinchy"

It's like whack-a-mole. You don't know what she's going to touch next. Inevitably, it comes off sounding like this:

BOINGYpoppoppoppopBOINGYPinchyPinchyPinchyBOINGYBOINGYPinchyPinchyPinchyPinchypoppoppoppopBOINGYPinchyPinchyPinchy.

This cracks her up to no end. I literally sat there with her making those noises for about 20 minutes straight before she finally changed the page.



The final page in this app. If you touch the sleeping dog, he wakes up and looks at you bug-eyed. If you touch the bone, it flies away and apparently pisses the sleeping dog off enough to wake up. If you touch the dog that can somehow balance an ice cream cone on it's nose, the cone itself flies up on top of his head and makes a pink mess. Touch the dog again and the ice cream cone somehow stands itself back up on the dog's nose.

If she touches the sleeping dog, you have to bark. If she touches the bone, you have to howl. If she touches the ice-cream dog, you have to make a splat noise when the cone lands on it's head. Doing it in reverse means you're making a "dink" noise when the cone lands on the nose.

OI!~

So a brief recap.

My niece is 3. She can operate an iPhone. Not only can she open apps, she can use the pictures my sister has assigned to her address book to call someone.

"Call Nanny?"

(You're lucky if you get asked...)

The Wheels On The Bus app apparently provides hours of amusement for her. (You can buy it at Duck Duck Moose).

After going through all of that with her, I'm reminded again just how much energy this child has...

"Wheels On Bus again?"

/sigh....