Movie Reviews

While Kay was here visiting, we went to see a ton of movies. I'm going to give a brief review of each one in the order we watched them.

The Blind Side

Based on a book covering the upcoming of Michael Oher, an NFL'er currently with the Baltimore Ravens, starring Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw and a huge guy I've never heard of before that stays quiet through most of the movie.

The movie checks in a little over 2 hours long and is probably going to be the feel-good movie of the season. I haven't read the book it's based on, so I can't really compare what's in the movie vs. what's in the book. The biggest thing that surprised me though was the roster of college football coaches they actually got to make an appearance and/or recite some lines. Some weren't so surprising since they technically are out of a job currently (i.e. Lou Holtz). Others were likely employed when the movie was filmed (Phil Fullmer - Tennessee, Tommy Tuberville - Auburn) and aren't employed at their respective schools anymore. The rest of the coaches that make an appearace are the truly surprising ones. Nick Saban, Houston Nutt and Ed Orgeron. They pretty much picked up every SEC Football coach and had them reprise their roles as the coaches of the schools they were at during the time period of this book.

Story itself is heartwarming although the ending was a little on the anti-climatic side. I get the whole danger behind possible NCAA violations and what it means to a school, but really? If they're going to go for an M.Night Shamalan (sp?) type of twist where the entire efforts of Tuohy family to correct Michael's life were for nothing other than to get him to play football for Ole Miss, they botched it in a big way, but not enough to ruin the overall feel of the film itself.

I give this film 4 out of 5 teabags.

New Moon

Most of you know my opinion of the first one in this series.

Most of you also know that I was pretty adamant about not seeing this film.

So why did I go to see it knowing it was going to be a 2.5 hour overly-hormonal, designed-to-make-teenage-girls-swoon, mind-numbingly-stupid movie?

Answer is pretty simple.

Girlfriend likes the books. Girlfriend liked the first movie. (Really? "Hold on tight spider-monkey?") So while she wasn't exactly dying to see this movie, she was dying to punish me for making her watch Transformers 2. She didn't actually make me go to see it. I just randomly picked up my family and girlfriend and drove to the theater to watch it. The reason for this was so I could turn the tables on them.

Y'see. My sister was already hounding me about taking Kay to see this movie. Kay wasn't hounding me per se, but she was taking her shots at me. By going to see this movie and show her what an absolute shit-fest this thing is, I was able to pick up a ton of fodder at Kay's expense (and my sister's) that will last me for months.

So do the math.

2.5 hours of shit turns into months of jokes at everyone else's expense but my own.

And this movie didn't disappoint in this department.

Seriously. There's 2.5 hours of Edward STILL looking like he has a turd planted sideways in his ass that's full of corn that just won't come out. There are plenty of the "spider-monkey" type lines in there that would probably make even the staunchest of fan-girls blush from embarassment at being seen in the theater watching this movie. Then there's Jacob.

While I can't make fun of his character too much (since he doesn't come off as constipated all the time), I can make fun of his relationship with Bella.

I get he's young, naive and inexperienced in the relationship department, but if the vampires are your mortal enemies and you know she's been "tainted", why the hell are you bothering? There aren't any condoms out there that protect you from emo. There aren't any pills you can take afterwards that will wash the overly-hormonal teenage-drama-queen-bullshit out of your memories.

If he's a werewolf, there are plenty of other holes to doggy-style without the baggage out there.

On top of all this, there's the whole genre raping of vampires and werewolves in general. I'm all for updates and different takes on our mythological/fictional horror movie icons, but if you make it easier for the cosplayers of the world to imitate your product? You're doing a huge disservice to society and the terrorists have won.

Take a look around at the videos from the premieres of various films like Star Wars, Transformers, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter and even Twilight itself. Do you not see all the douchebags that can't figure out they will NEVER be any of their icons in these movies, yet dress up and act like a retarded version of them anyway in the name of fun?

This is not fun for anyone to have to endure other than the small minority of idiots who likely do not see more than 15 minutes of sunlight a month.

Do society a favor Twilight authors and producers. Stick to the traditional blueprint of vampires and werewolves. Capes and fake pointy teeth and fake blood drools were bad enough. When you add in the "Something-About-Mary" hair-dos, glittery body paint, and people faking constipated looks, you're just asking for your fans to get punched in the face.

The last goddamn thing we need to see is some 350lb, glittery, cummed-up hair-do'd man acting like he's playing baseball during a thunderstorm while waiting for the movie doors to open up.

(That didn't really cover the movie much at all did it...but you get the point).

This movie doesn't even deserve to have a ball-bag that hasn't been cleaned in 3 years dipped into it's mouth. -9000 teabags out of 5.

2012

This movie is LONG. It checks in at just over 2.5 hours. The plot is somewhat feasible, adding to the actual sense of dread here, but it didn't do much to convey the overall sense of it through the plot itself. This movie is built on huge scenes of destruction, which is nothing new.

Would I recommend going to see it in theaters? Yes, if you want to see the world tearing itself apart on a screen bigger than what you can have in your home. No if you've had your fill of it with the bajillion other "world is ending" movies that have come out the past decade.

So that leaves us with the plot. Author gets so tied up in his work he neglects his family. Family moves on to a "better" dad while the old and busted dad struggles to make ends meet and isn't exactly winning brownie points with the family by living his current lifestyle. Along the way, old and busted dad becomes family hero by figuring out what our Govt has been doing the past few years since they figured out our world was going to end.

Hot, new dad gets killed unceremoniously along the way and old and busted dad is now back in his rightful place as family patriarch all the while the world is tearing itself apart around them.

The End.

I give this movie 3.5 out of 5 teabags just for the eye candy.

Old Dogs

Probably not worth seeing in theaters unless you're a fan of Robin Williams, John Travolta, Seth Green and Bernie Mac. This film was obviously done well before Bernie Mac died and well before John Travolta's son died.

It was likely delayed from being released due to those unfortunate events. While it has it's comedic bright spots, most of the humor revolves around old man pills and getting punched in the balls constantly. It's the typical Robin Williams type film, so if you're a fan of it, you should like it.

This movie gets 3 out of 5 teabags. Probably should be lower, but because they're (Travolta and Williams) actually acknowledging that they're old now, I'll give them an extra bag.

I'll likely be seeing a couple more movies before the year is out (Avatar being among them), so look for more of my reviews coming soon :)